Posted by: Wagons Ho | January 13, 2012

Cookie Mafia

It’s that time of year again. If you don’t know what I’m talking about you must live off the grid, in a cave, somewhere completely uninhabited. Beware of that knock on the cave door though because they will find you one of these days. Those cookie girls are crazy! I guess technically it’s the cookie girl moms who are really the crazy ones, since they seem to be the main pushers in the cookie mafia. The kids are just there for the innocent “What? I didn’t do nothin.” face to show the cops should they drive by.

These people are relentless. I guess they have to be though. When you have to sell 350 boxes of cookies, along with every other cookie girl in the gang, you have to push and push hard. My Facebook feed was full of posts about cookie sales. My cell phone got texts. The emails and phone calls will come next. Then there will be the group of cookie kids at the door and in front of every store I need to go to for the next 2 months. After that parking lots will become one stop cookie malls, complete with signs, sales, and cookie hawkers waving you over to the dirty mini-van full of cookie boxes. I often wonder how many cookie turf wars the cops have to deal with each year.

They were even at my Weight Watchers meeting this week. Trying to sound all innocent, and helpful, with their little list of the points for each type of cookie. But trust me there was nothing innocent about it. The cookie mom managed to get in several times that they were selling cookies, what types of cookies they had, when the sale started, and that she would be taking orders. The cookie kid even had her order form with her. When she tried to pull it out cookie mom said “Not this week honey.” and quickly stashed it. Apparently the cookie Godmother has strict rules about when you can start taking orders. And you do not want to make the Godmother mad.

Marshall asked what happens if they don’t sell their 350 boxes each. I just looked at him dumbfounded. There is no such thing as not selling your quota in the cookie mafia. You sell or people get hurt. Why does he think we got all those boxes of cookie from his mother last year. Our poor niece is part of gang in the midwest and when it comes to the cookie mafia even grandma gets the hard sell.

So lock your doors, don’t answer the phone, don’t check your email. Look down and walk quickly into stores and whatever you do DO NOT STOP or TALK to the cookie kids. Once they make eye contact it’s all down hill from there. Trust me, you’ll be walking back to your car with 5 boxes of cookies without even knowing what hit you. That’s how they get you.

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