Posted by: Wagons Ho | June 29, 2013

Now that’s a reason to be outraged

A lot of people have their panties in a bunch over the Supreme Court decisions about Prop 8 and DOMA.  I don’t get it myself. There are so many other reasons to be upset with gay people.

– All lesbians do not want to have sex with me. I mean, if I am going to be upset about something this would be it. I’m awesome! Plus they’re real, and they’re fabulous. Your loss lesbians, your loss.

– You can’t say the word fabulous normally anymore.  Admit it, when you read the word fabulous in your head you were saying it FAB-U-LOUUUSSSS!

– They always have good hair. Doesn’t matter what kind of cut they get, what time of the day it is, how sick they are, their hair always looks good.

– They are not trying to convert my kids. Trust me I have tried. I even offered to send them to one of the gay conversion camps where they come home better dressers, with fabulous hair and are obsessively neat. But apparently they don’t have those.

– They have cuter pets and their pets dress better than mine. Who am I kidding, most the time their pets dress better than me.

– They take up spots on the reality shows. Name me one reality show that doesn’t have a gay person on it these days. Straight idiots need those jobs! And trust me, there are a lot of straight idiots out there. Have you seen reality shows?

– They throw the best parties. Have you ever been to a pride parade? They are FAB-U-LOUUUSSSS!!!

– They have a secret handbook with all their code words in it. It’s like that book in Beetlejuice you get when you die. It has everything you need to know about being gay and one else is allowed to see it. I’m constantly learning new things that are surely in this handbook. Like I recently found out that asking “Are you family?” means “Are you gay?” I felt better knowing that my friend, who is gay,  also didn’t know this code when she was asked. I guess she got an old handbook when she came out.

Clearly, any one of these is a better reason to be mad at gay people than the fact that they finally have the right to marry whoever they want in California or that they now qualify for the same federal benefits as any other citizen. So focus your outrage on the important things, like converting my kids. The house is a mess and I need some tips for my hair.



  1. Too perfect! Thank you for writing this lol!

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