Posted by: Wagons Ho | December 31, 2015

My mom died

My mom died. It’s been 5 days and I still can’t believe it.

My mom died. I want to say that to every cashier who asks me how my day is, to the smiling waitress at the restaurant, to all the strangers who are wondering why I’m crying walking around a store.

My mom died. I’ve said it a million times it seems to the doctor’s offices that were caring for her, the hospice staff who we needed to come pick up her equipment, to the Social Security guy who I waited over 50 min on hold for, the funeral home, my friends. I have a list of dozens of more people I’ll need to say it to over the next few weeks/months as we settle her estate.

My mom died. I want to scream that at the top of my lungs. I did scream it at my kids yesterday. They were fighting over one of the million things they fight over every day. Being selfish, and needy, and basically normal 9 and 4 yr old boys. And I lost it and screamed at them “MY MOM DIED!” Not my best moment for sure.

My mom died. Max asked if she would be “dead forever.” Yes baby, she will.

My mom died. 2016 is only a few hours away. It will be the year Max starts Kindergarten and Trapp turns 10. The first year that Grandma won’t be here to celebrate those big occasions, and all the other little ones she loved to hear about and celebrate with “her kids”.

My mom died. I’m grateful we made it home in time to spend one last day with her. I’m sad we didn’t get here sooner. I’m angry that we only had 5 short weeks from the time they decided what type of cancer she had, and told us how well it typically responded to chemo, till she was gone.

My mom died. I miss her face, her laugh, even her yelling at me to quit bugging her and to load her dishwasher right. How angry she would be if she could see the way I have the plates in there now.

My mom died. She was beautiful, strong, funny. She taught me to be independent, to question the world, to appreciate the weird. I’ll carry those things with me forever.

My mom died.



  1. […] dad died. God I hate those words. When mom died I wanted to yell it to everyone (My mom died) but this time it’s different. I can’t bear the thought of telling people. There are so […]

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