Posted by: Wagons Ho | January 11, 2016

Heading Home

I leave for home today. It’s never easy to leave when we come home for a visit, or to say goodbye when they have come out to see us, but I have a feeling it’s going to be 1000 times worse today.

This is it. When I leave here she really is gone. I’ll never come home to see my mom again. How can that even be right? I want to throw everything mom owned, touched, or even looked at in my suitcase. I want to stay in this house forever and not have to say goodbye.

I also want to run. Run away from the memories, the pain, the knowledge that the house will never be the same. I want to go home and hold Marshall and the kids and never let go. To get back into the routine of our “real” lives so I can pretend that this isn’t real. To pretend that she’s here with dad. That when I call she’s out running around and I’ll just catch her later. That when we plan our next trip to the beach it won’t be to spread her ashes. That I won’t have to worry about dad being home alone. Or worry about Jodie having to deal with all the stuff we didn’t get done these last couple weeks by herself.

It won’t be easy I know but, if nothing else, my mom showed me how to be strong. So I’ll pull my shit together. I’ll stop crying. I’ll pack my suitcase. I’ll run a few final errands with dad and Jodie. Then I’ll hug them both at the airport and head for my plane, hopefully without getting too molested by the TSA, and head home. I can do this.

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