Posted by: Wagons Ho | February 17, 2016

Erasing Mom

Here’s something they don’t tell you about when someone dies. It’s the thousand tiny ways you have to erase them every day that really kills you. Removing their name from joint accounts, deleting email addresses, changing the name in your phone and address book, trying to remember to just say Grandpa, instead of Grandma and Grandpa.  It is the absolute worst. And just when you think there can’t be any more another one pops up.

Mom loved Time magazine. She always had a subscription and has given me a gift subscription for years. When I got a Nook I started reading my magazine on there. The next renewal I told mom not to pay for me to get the hard copy anymore, that I could use her subscription number to get the digital version. And that’s what we did.

Sometime last summer her subscription ran out. I know because I got the notice that I would have to start paying for the digital version. I didn’t think too much about it. She always waited until the very end to renew “because that’s when they send the best offers”. Only this time she didn’t renew. I kept meaning to ask in case she got a new subscription number but I’d forget. When I started getting billed each month I decided to cancel but, at a few bucks a month, it wasn’t a priority and I didn’t worry about it. Then the worst happened, and I didn’t care.

When I got my credit card bill this month and saw the $3 charge, for a magazine I haven’t read in months, I decided it was finally time to cancel. I pulled up my account, and figured out how to unsubscribe. I hovered over that unsubscribe link for what felt like a lifetime. It should have been so simple. Just clink the link. But I couldn’t.

I told myself I was being ridiculous. I could always order it again. Mom didn’t even get me this subscription. It’s just a magazine for goodness sake. But it’s so much more than that. It’s a link between us and clicking that unsubscribe button would erase that.

So I logged out. Maybe another day I’ll be able to do it. Maybe not. For today though, I’m holding on to that small piece of mom.





  1. We still have my mother-in-laws address on our Christmas card list. Though she died two years ago we have printed a label for her unable to erase it. I understand.

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