Posted by: Wagons Ho | April 12, 2016

Little Bit

Call them signs, intuition, a gut feeling, your little voice, premonitions, “the secret”, luck, whatever name you want to put to it, I believe that sometimes the universe speaks to us.

After mom died I would see signs that she was still around. The amazing sunset on a dreary, snowy, Midwest winter evening the day after she died. The deer coming back to feed in mom and dad’s yard, after being MIA for almost a week. Mom loved to feed them, along with every other kind of creature that would come in their yard. The deer normally came by every day and the kids had been so disappointed they didn’t get to see them. Then, on the morning the boys were due to head home, there they were, 10 or 15 deer walking so quietly through the yard. They passed by the house in a long line, as if they were offering their condolences, and then they all laid down in the yard for a long time. It was peaceful, and beautiful, and mom would have been so happy to see them.

But I was mad at the universe. I decided it had just been wishful thinking. That as much as I had believed over the years, I had been wrong. The universe didn’t give a shit. There were no signs, no secrets. If there were then where were they when mom was getting sick? Where was the little voice saying “It’s not just pneumonia, tell her to get another opinion!”? Where was the premonition that we’d only have 5 weeks with her? Where was the “secret” as I meditated and focused on positive energy? Nowhere, that’s where.

No matter how mad I was though the signs kept coming. Little pieces of paper with mom’s handwriting on it, found in the most random places in my house. The boys pulling out books we hadn’t read in forever, only for me to realize they were books mom had sent. Max’s sudden obsession with making Jello, something mom loved to make for them but they rarely asked for when she wasn’t visiting. And still I didn’t want to believe. I didn’t want signs from her. I wanted her.

Then came Max’s kindergarten registration day. Max was excited, and I was too. At the same time I was sad that mom was missing it. She would have been so proud of him. She would have loved to hear all about the folder full of goodies he got, and how they sharpened his giant new pencil for him. It was hard but I managed to keep it together and we headed to the store. When we came out I noticed the license plate on the car parked next to me. It was a personalized plate that said “L1T1 BIT”. Mom’s nickname for Max-Little Bit. I guess the universe was done being subtle.
license plate


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