Please

While cleaning my desk today I ran across a small notebook. Inside were the notes I had taken during a visit mom had with her oncologist. He was nice enough to let me listen in via phone. I took a couple pages of notes. Writing down the results of her MRI, her diagnosis, the treatment options, chemotherapy drug names, radiation plans, and more. It was hard to read. What was even harder to see was the doodle I had made at the top of the page. A simple plea- please, please, please.

I don’t remember writing it, or what I was thinking. I imagine it was something like “Please let the results be good. Please let this all be a mistake. Please tell us how easy this will be to fix.”

It’s been 4 months since mom died and I still find myself saying those words. “Please don’t let this be real. Please bring my mom back. Please help me not be so sad, so angry, so numb.” It’s such a simple plea but, just like then, no one is listening.

So I continue to fake my way through the days. I scream at Marshall, and the kids, over ridiculous things, and then apologize for being crazy. I choke back tears over songs, tv shows, random comments. I focus on doing the things I have to. I force myself to do extras like going out with friends. I’m trying to figure out what my new normal will be and I worry I’ll never find it.

If only someone had listened the first time I said those words. Please, please, please.