Posted by: Wagons Ho | December 12, 2016

Two years and a world of change

On this day in 2014 I was flying home at the butt crack of dawn. Dad had been admitted to the ICU the night before and wasn’t expected to make it. My biggest fear was loosing dad. I never once thought that it would be mom. But here we are two years later. Dad made it but in exactly 2 weeks it will have been one year since mom died.

For two years now I have cringed with every ring of the phone. God forbid it ring late at night, or early in the morning. I was the girl who rarely knew where her cell phone was, and if I did find it odds were it wasn’t charged. Now I’m the girl who always has her phone within reach and checks it during the night just in case I missed a call or text.

For two years I have spent every holiday and vacation wondering if this will be the last one with dad.  Then it was the last Thanksgiving and Christmas with mom and I never saw it coming.

For the last two years I have gone to work, helped the kids with homework, done the laundry and paid the bills. Just like I have done for years. But even with the stuff that is the same there is a difference. There’s a sadness always lingering in the background. There’s an anger just under the surface that pops up so quickly at the slightest irritation. There’s an anxiety just waiting for me to let down my guard. I’m me but not me. Here but lost. And I’m not sure any of that will ever go away.

It’s surreal how much my world has changed in just two short years.

 

 

 

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