Posted by: Wagons Ho | April 15, 2017

Here I Go Again

My dad died. God I hate those words. When mom died I wanted to yell it to everyone (My mom died) but this time it’s different. I can’t bear the thought of telling people. There are so many people that we have to tell that saying the words to people we don’t have to is just too hard. I’ve tried but I just can’t get them out. So I haven’t said anything.

The last few months were a roller coaster of good days and bad, hospital admissions and discharges. Of having to place dad in a nursing home, something I promised him I would never do, and then did. Of conference calls with care teams, calls with my sister, calls with dad. Of sleepless nights, and mountains of guilt.

The last couple weeks have seemed so quiet in comparison. The calendar, once full of appointments and meetings for dad, looks so empty. I keep thinking I should call him, and then remember I can’t. The other day I thought “I should call and see how mom is doing now that dad is gone”. It took a minute to remember she is gone too. The mind can be cruel like that.

The sorrow is different from what it was, hell still is, with mom. It’s hard to describe but it’s not as raw, not as shocking. It’s there though. Sneaking up on me throughout the day. Catching me off guard. Crushing me with the guilt of all the things I should have done differently. Making me feel so alone.

I try to tell myself that at least I know how this will go. The paperwork, the calls, the lawyer. The crying at nothing, the anger at everything. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to know. I guess I’ll find out. All I know for sure is my world has changed again.

I miss you dad.

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