Posted by: Wagons Ho | July 16, 2017

Only 3 months?

It’s been a little more than 3 months since dad died. Some days I can’t believe it’s already been that long. It feels like I just talked to him the other day. I can still hear his voice, and see his face, so clearly. I still find myself thinking I should call and check on him. I still keep my cell phone within reach at all times, just in case.

But most days I can’t believe it’s only been 3 months. It feels like it happened forever ago. It hits me at weird times. Like the other day when the bank told us we should keep his checking account open for 6 months. My first thought was “But it has already been at least 6 months!”.  Except it hasn’t, not even close.

It still feels different than when mom died. I wonder if it’s because I am grieving for mom too. Or, if it’s just that I was more prepared this time. Maybe the last 2 plus years of worry, sickness, guilt, and death, have left me permanently numb. Maybe I’m depressed and should get some meds to help. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me at all and I wouldn’t even be questioning it if they hadn’t died so close together.

All I really know is I’m still not ok. I have pretty much quit cooking. We survive on cereal, sandwiches, and take out. I rarely leave the house for anything other than kids activities and meetings I have to attend. When I do finally go out to be social I have to force myself not cancel, and I’m exhausted when I’m done. I try to read but hardly ever finish a book, no matter how good it is. I’m touchy, moody, and short tempered. Although I’m not sure that’s really that much different than I was before all this. I’m tired, but I don’t sleep well. I’m a mess, and while I’m trying to hide it I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job.

I worry that this is my new normal. I don’t want it to be. I want to rewind back to 2 1/2 yrs ago. I know that me is gone forever but I hope to find pieces of her around. I think they are there, hiding. Waiting until it is safe to come out again. Waiting for the pain, the sadness, and the guilt to ease. I’m sure in time it will but it’s only been 3 months.

 

 

 

 

 

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Responses

  1. Hey lady!!! I don’t think it’s your new permanent, but you went through A LOT in a REALLY short time! Have you thought about seeing a grief counselor? Just to try to process it all. It really was a lot. ::Hugs:: love you, girl.

  2. I am so sorry for you loss 😕.


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