Posted by: Wagons Ho | July 30, 2017

The call log

While watching tv the other night I decided to clean up the call log on my cell phone. As I’m mindlessly hitting delete, delete, delete, I came across a recent call to “Mom & Dad”. I didn’t remember calling their number, but I still have dad’s cell in my speed dial list, so I must have hit it by accident.

I sat there staring at their names and realized I’ll never call them again. Mom has been gone for 19 months now, dad for 5, so this shouldn’t have been shocking to me but it was. It felt like someone punched me right in the gut. I couldn’t breathe and I started to cry.

Waves of grief rushed over me. I tried to pull myself together but I couldn’t. In a panic I dialed their house to hear mom’s voice on the answering machine. I frantically dug for the video I took of dad and Max telling each other stories at Christmas. It wasn’t as good as being able to talk to them but hearing those snippets of their voices gave me a small sense of relief.

I spent some time looking at the dates and times of the calls. All of them were to dad as I had replaced my phone the summer after mom died. I tried to remember anything about the calls, hoping I had said I love you each time.

It took a long time for me to calm down. In the end I couldn’t bring myself to erase those calls. Maybe someday I will but for now they’ll stay on there. A small reminder of the days I could call them.

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